12 Things Only Dog Owners Understand

Dog Hair Is Literally Everywhere—But You Don’t Care

After so many years of dog ownership, you learn to accept that every single surface of your home (and every item of clothing in your closet) is covered with a layer of dog hair. Our advice? Stop buying any dark-colored clothing; forget the special vacuum attachment for pet hair (it doesn’t work!), and try to ignore the tumbleweeds of dog hair rolling across the living room floor. Just be sure to keep some strategically placed lint rollers around your house.

You’ve Pondered How Their Human Voice Would Sound

Don’t even deny it: You’ve spent who knows how much time trying to figure out what your dog’s human voice would sound like. Would it be high-pitched? Low and gravelly? Would she speak another language? The possibilities are baffling and endless.

How Badly It Hurts When Your Dog Lets Someone Else Pet Him

Nothing is more devastatingly heartbreaking than when your dog leaves your side, cozies up to someone else and lets that person pet him instead. Except when he looks across the room to make sure you’re watching the betrayal happen.

You Haven’t Used an Alarm Clock in Years

Once you become a dog owner, you can ditch the alarm clock—your dog will wake you up at the same time. Every. Single. Morning. But how would you prefer to wake up? To a loud, jarring, impersonal alarm clock, or a slobbery, happy face that wants nothing more in the world than to take a morning walk with you?

The Head Tilt Can Alleviate Any Stressful Situation

Not only can your dog’s curious, inquisitive and adorable head tilt dissolve any negative emotion or stress you may be feeling, but if we gathered enough dogs and made them tilt their heads simultaneously, we could probably solve many of the world’s problems.

Your Dog Eats Better Food Than You

You’ll eat whatever conventional, mass-produced foods are on sale at the grocery store. Your dog eats only organic, non-GMO, gluten and dairy-free whole foods that are produced by a farmer/poet named Gregory in rural Massachusetts.

Your Dog’s Bed Is Nicer Than Yours

You probably have the same mattress you bought right after graduating from college—it’s at least 10 years old, lumpy, sagging in the middle and covered with bargain bin linens. Your dog’s bed? It’s the most advanced, cloud-like memory foam with cooling ridges and made up with 1,000 thread count Egyptian cotton sheets.

You Actually Forget You’re Picking Up Poop

You don’t pick up your own poop. You certainly wouldn’t pick up a stranger’s (or a strange animal’s) poop. But we don’t hesitate for a second when picking up our dog’s poop. Why? Maybe we’re just so proud that they learned how to go potty outside… or just trying to help a pupper out ‘cause they don’t have opposable thumbs.

You Want to Skip Vacation to Stay with Them

Dogs always seem to know when their owner is going on vacation. Whether they pout around the house or literally climb into your luggage, the guilt a dog owner feels when going on vacation is overwhelming. The worst part? You can’t even communicate to them that you promise you’ll be back soon, and with special puppy souvenirs. It’s almost worth skipping vacation entirely to hang out on the couch with your pooch.

You Cancel Plans Because Your Dog Fell Asleep

How many times (this month) have you cancelled plans with friends because your dog fell asleep on your arm or leg or foot, and she’s just too precious and peaceful to possibly disturb?

You’re Observed While Going to the Bathroom

Dogs love their owners so much, they don’t want to be apart from them for a second. And, for dog owners, seeing a pair of paws underneath the bathroom door waiting is too much to bear. The solution? Let the dog into the bathroom, so he can lock eyes and look deep into your soul while you finish your business. Obviously.

You Make up New Nicknames for Your Dog Every Day

Dog owners put a lot of time into choosing the perfect name for their pet. My family, for example, had a shared spreadsheet of potential names before we picked up our dog, Brodie.

Dog’s nicknames, however, are, essentially, the total breakdown (and annihilation) of the English language. They’re often made-up words or sounds, or a combination of the two. Proof: Brodie’s nicknames include Brobro, Bat Boy, Brobee, Brah, Snorgie, Poop Boy, Doofy or just howling. I literally just make a howling sound.